Leaving your Church in Tears

I left my Church this week, and it was the most painful and beautiful thing I have ever done. For many people, Church can be a great source of pain, for others, it is a building or a place to gather. For some, Church can be a crutch, a community that supports them. As for me, my Church has become my family. I don’t even know where to begin my story, as I feel like the chapter is only just wrapping up.

When people usually think of Church, I don’t think family is what comes to mind. Best friends may exist within that congregation, but this association does not define the congregation as a whole. Acquaintances are probably a more accurate term. Why is that? I would argue that our attempts at community often fall short of our ideal for community. Imagine the ideal church for a minute. What does it look like? What exactly are they doing? In my mind, they are a community that deeply cares for one another. They are a community that provides financially, emotionally, and spiritually for the majority of the members. They are not perfect, but their efforts are seen, acknowledged and appreciated. More importantly, these actions are felt and spur on reciprocal loving actions that are an outflowing of the work of the Holy Spirit as He transforms you into one who exemplifies the neighbor-loving character of Jesus. This community is redemptive and a cause of healing and it pushes you to be more Christ-like and more reliant upon the Holy Spirit. More than likely, it does this through rather ordinary means, such as through simple conversations over a beverage or a meal.

Does your community look like that? Does your Church look like a family? It might, but I’d be willing to bet that it doesn’t.

My Church has loved me since day one. My previous church had closed down and I was experiencing so much pain, visible and hidden, when I first started attending For His Glory Community Church. The pastors came around me and cared for me in ways I didn’t even know I needed. They provided opportunities in which I could serve, in other words, they empowered me to care for others. When my life was in shambles, devastated by multiple familial deaths in the midst of my engagement season, they loved me. Here is an excerpt of the final sermon I gave at my church:

Well, whether you did so explicitly or unknowingly, you spoke these same words over me, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Whether you knew it or not, you were individually and collectively encouraging me to press on and to persevere. “This season of suffering will not last forever, you will get through this by God’s grace. Keep fighting, keep trusting in Jesus. The wedding day is just around the corner! Everything you have labored for will come to fruition if you wait it out. Marriage is worth all of this.” And so it was. But you didn’t just say the words that I needed, you also did the good that I needed. You were there with us in the hospital, you brought us food, you came and visited my family, you brought us food, you hung out with us, and prayed with us, and you brought us food. We would not have gotten through that season without you.

This community came around me in time of immense need. They fought for me, they fought for my wife. They decided to not let our problems remain ours alone, but, in the words of the New Testament, they took on our burdens. What made this necessary transition so difficult is that I am leaving a community that deeply cares for me. They do not just see me as someone who attends, or even as an intern, but they see me as part of their family.

Like I said, I am still processing all of this. I don’t know what’s next, and I don’t know if I will ever experience a Church that has this type of familial community. I do know that is community didn’t just “happen.” It didn’t just evolve from the primordial soup of relationships that naturally occur at a church. No, it was a community that was fought for and won by sacrifice.

This type of community-as-family came about by immense effort. It came from me inviting everyone to lunch after church week in and week out. It came from others as they sacrificed their family time and came to community group. It came about as people donated their resources of finances, time, and skills to the church body. It came about as people got their hands dirty in the lives of one another. All of their sins, their victories, their fears belonged equally to someone else. This community-as-family was produced by the labor of the saints and the energizing work of the Spirit.

What is the best way to leave a church? I don’t know exactly, but I do have a preference: I would prefer to leave a church heartbroken, in tears, and asking God why are calling me from this place? I would want to pray that God would allow this cup to pass from me, that I could stay at this Church. I would hope that I could die here, that I would not have to think about life after this community. And it’s not that I think this community is perfect, far from it! I see all of its faults and failures, and in spite of this, I long to be in a place to be used by God to grow them and to grow with them. No one tells you how difficult it is to leave your closest friends who have become your family. No one tells you how many send off speeches and prayer circles you will be apart of. No one mentions that the way of Lord, your personal calling as a disciple is one filled with hardship and heartache. Yet, I would prefer tears and doubt over stability and comfort, if it meant following our Lord. 

So what is your Church like? If you desire a similar experience that I have, then pray for it. It cannot happen by force or by wishful thinking, but only through the working of the Holy Spirit. Pray that the Holy Spirit would enlarge your heart and your capacity to love for those inside your church. Pray that the spirit gives you the perseverance to weather the storms of relationships. Pray that the Spirit gives you a vision for the type of community-as-family that He desires to cultivate in your church. And If you find yourself already weary of the community that God has placed in front of you, Pray – Pray for your soul, that God would soften your heart to love those around you. There are certainly times to leave your church because it’s hurtful rather than healing. Yet, I think even in those times, God will be faithful to lead you away to a greater community. It is when we get to a new community or when we are feeling our current one begin to drag, that is when we need to fight and keep loving each other.