Every Tuesday I lead a bible study for undergrad ladies attending UC Berkeley through Cru ministries. Last Tuesday, one of the girls said to me (in so many words), “Carrie, thank you for being an example of living a content single life.” She expanded her thought by mentioning that there had recently been a conference at her church about love, dating and relationships, and she was surprised to find that none of the panelists were single people. She also noted the amount of times these married panelists kept mentioning, “Enjoy your single life… you have so much freedom, etc.” I rolled my eyes at the thought of this, knowing how many times I have seen this same thing played out – married people, telling me to enjoy my singleness, at a conference where only married people are talking about love, dating and relationships. I took a gander at the church’s website recently and there was a blog posted by a married person, and their reflections looking back at their single life, resulting in advice (again) to the single person to enjoy their circumstances. While I appreciate hearing about people’s life experiences, as a single person, I get tired of mostly hearing from married people about single life. After all, how could those who were married in their twenties (especially early twenties), possibly understand what it is to be a single person in their thirties, forties, fifties etc.?
I explained to the girl in my bible study that firstly, this made me want to write a blog (here you go), but also that I hope God could continue to use me as an example of living a good, happy, content, and holy single life. I also hope that I, and other single people, can continue to bring this issue more to the forefront of our churches. Young people need to be reminded that being single is an option. And I hope as time goes on, these young people can find more acceptance of being single than I have thus far.
Maybe this one blog will turn into a little series, because it’s difficult to write all of my thoughts on this into one blog post, but for now I want to mention a few things that I feel are important for church staff and leaders, and for singles themselves.
First, sometimes people are single because they want to be single. Everyone is constantly asking me, when are you going to get married, don’t you want children? Sometimes I just lie and say, oh yah, I am looking, because if I said the truth – that I just am not interested in pursuing that right now – I am scared they will think I am weird. It’s not that I am not open to being in a relationship, but at this point, I am not ready to set my heart, thoughts, and energy on finding someone. I don’t want to date online, or peruse the bars on Friday night; I want to serve the Lord and further His Kingdom.
Second, when I do respond with this answer, please don’t exclude me from things. Sometimes, married people forget that they are privileged. Married people have more opportunities within the church than singles. I think that probably 99% of pastors are married, elders tend to be married, and leaders in the church are usually married. Married persons in the church are the norm, and being unmarried can be looked at as immature. The irony of it all is that Jesus was single. Being a thirty-something+ single in the church can also be very lonely. There is college group (18-29), women’s group that usually meets on a weekday morning (I workkkk), men’s group, youth group, parent’s group, couple’s group… Where do I fit in? I want to feel welcomed and comfortable at a local church.
And finally, for the singles – Advice from a happy and content single person – single life is great! Enjoy it! Okay, so apparently my advice sounds just like those married people’s advice to singles, but I hope mine sounds better because I am actually single. I have had time to pursue an education, I have my dream job, I am serving in ministry, traveling, and enjoying life very much.
I am not anti-marriage, and I don’t believe I am called to celibacy. But what I do know is that I am joyful and satisfied in the Lord as a single person. So, church, will you come alongside us singles and support us in this? Pastors, how can you support your single members?
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