The Art of Listening

My Favorite Proverb

There is one particular biblical verse with which I have been infatuated for some time and which I have made a constant conscious commitment to follow. That verse goes a little something like this: “Ten cubits shall be the length of each board and one and a half cubits the width of each board…” No… no… wait. Hold on, that’s Exodus. That’s not it… let me see here… ah, yes. Okay – I found it. Sorry about that… anyway, the verse says, “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.” (Proverbs 18:13, NASB). Okay – yes, that’s the right one. I just love this passage. The 18^th chapter of Proverbs is an exemplar of Hebrew Wisdom Literature; there is often a string of verses which do not have any significant connection or dependency on the immediate verses preceding or proceeding. The proverbs are strung together in order to share accumulated wisdom of the author or even sometimes just perceived gnomic realities. Here is my [rather wooden] translation of Proverbs 18:13: “He who returns a word before he hears, it is folly to him and ignominy.” The concept here is to listen before speaking and to avoid accusations before hearing a matter.

 

Listening vs. Hearing

There is a saying I heard at some point in my adolescence which has stuck with me. I recall my dad, among others, saying it to me. When I was told to do something which I was reluctant to do or which ‘I already knew’ to do I would often retort, “Okay! I heard you!” It was the response to my reply which has been an impacting phrase in my life: “You may have heard me, but you weren’t listening!” I admit—that one always got to me. There is a difference between hearing and listening. We hear sounds all the time. We even hear people talking around us. We often mentally space out when we are hearing people talk directly to us. We also hear people explain their personal beliefs, ideas, or arguments to us as we are doing nothing more than mentally formulating our next reply. None of this is listening.

I am taking a bit of liberty with the language here and I am not saying that these terms have their exclusive definitions or that they cannot be used interchangeably. I am merely making a point about the difference between literally hearing sounds and minimally processing communication versus attentively listening and seeking to understand a message. The Hebrew word used in Proverbs 18:13 for “hears” is “shema” which is used in the great nationalistic cry of ancient Israel—the Shema—in Deuteronomy 6:4 (NASB): “Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD alone!” The intention of this decree was not merely for the Israelites to hear the words or sounds of this saying, but to listen to it, to embrace it, and to practice it in their lives. There is a difference between hearing a person’s explanation and waiting for them to stop talking or even looking for points of contentions to nitpick versus making an effort to comprehend how that person understands and perceives the topic. The folly of not listening to your conversation partner is exacerbated by a legitimate preexisting ignorance of the topic and preconceived notions. It is utter foolishness for the non-fisherman who has never really been fishing, and who has not had any serious exposure to fishing, or who has not interacted with any fisherman to hold a strong opinion on fishing and be unwilling to listen to a learned fisherman explain his love for fishing, his knowledge of fishing, or the benefits of fishing. [I really could have made up another example, but I just wanted to see how many times I could get words with ‘fish’ in them into one sentence. For the record, it was nine times.]

It would be equally wise for the expert (in this case, the fisherman) to still listen to the non-expert (in this case, the ignoramus, non-fisherman) explain his understanding and opinions, despite the illegitimacy or inaccuracy of his information. It is just polite and mature to respect people and to also hear them out—actually listening, if at all possible. Notice, however, the proverb says “before he has heard.” This piece of wisdom is speaking about responding to matters which a person has not heard before. I have opinions and thoughts about plenty of things which I have never had any firsthand experience. It is not wrong to have opinions about matters of which we are ignorant. Life would be rather difficult to navigate without opinions or decisions even regarding unfamiliar topics. I would not leave everything behind to venture into an Alaskan or Canadian wilderness in order to live among a pack of wolves or with bears. I think I have pretty much made up my mind on that. Nevertheless, I would give my sincere attention to a person who wanted to explain to me why they have chosen that lifestyle. I would seek to understand how or why that lifestyle could make sense to them. I don’t have to agree with them or join them. I would do this before telling a person he/she is ‘wrong’ without listening. I also have strong negative opinions towards affiliates of radical religions, political groups, or other factions and I am comfortable with my opinions even without having ‘listened’ to people from such groups explain their perspectives. I would be willing to engage in a peaceful and mature conversation with such people and I would give them my full attention in listening to their explanations, views, reasoning, and so forth. I may vehemently disagree with them and despise their actions or beliefs, but this would not stop me from listening to them. Communication is important and we do not have to agree in the end, but at least we can improve on understanding one another. This is what I think is important—at least by willing to listen to someone with whom you disagree and make an effort to understand their perspective before “returning a word” (that is, giving a response or making further judgement). Our very word ‘prejudice’ connotes judging beforehand. It is a pre-judgement. Again, pre-judgements are not always wrong and are indeed a necessary part of navigating through life. However, if and when the time comes to have a conversation with a person we have pre-judged, it is wise to take advantage of that time and allow that person to express his/her thoughts and beliefs. It is wise to “hear it from the horse’s mouth.” (That is truly an odd saying, but I use it quite frequently). This is a similar concept—that it is important to hear an account from an individual most familiar with it rather than from others who are indirectly involved or lack direct personal experience. I promote receiving information from experts and not always from the common populace. Our opinions will be worth more if they are formed after the consideration of accurate or expert information rather than based upon dubious details or ideas gathered from perceived ‘experts.’ That’s how rumors start. Prejudice ideas follow. It is better to “hear it from the horse’s mouth.”

 

Religion and Politics—Everyone’s Favorite Topics!

I think about religions a lot. I find myself in religious discussions a lot. I suppose this was kind of part of the deal when I decided to dedicate my life to Biblical Studies. Religious discussions often seem to make their way into discussions on politics. The following is an invented, but shockingly accurate, script in order to illustrate common conversations in which I inevitably find myself. The conversation takes place midstream:

 

Interlocutor: “Oh wow, so what do you study?”

Me: “Religions and Theology, but mainly Biblical Studies with an emphasis on New Testament and early Christianity.”

Interlocutor: “I see… Interesting… So, what do you want to do with that? Become like a priest or a rabbi or something?”

Me: “No.”

Interlocutor: “Oh cool… So, like, what do you think about this whole proposed Bill on _________???”

 

Okay, maybe it’s not that extreme of a leap from one topic to the other, but it always seems to work its way in. If it is an unfamiliar political topic to me, I usually respond that there are lots of sides to the arguments and that I would be interested in hearing those sides out in an attempt to understand the various positions before making a firm judgement or taking a strong stance. I then proceed to clarify that I do not have imminent goals of joining the priesthood or the rabbinate.

Now, what I am about to say I mean with no disrespect to anyone, but it certainly lies as the crux of this wisdom behind my favorite proverb (Prov. 18:13, in case if you missed it). To name just a few, I would never join the Jehovah’s Witnesses, or Mormonism, or Islam, or Buddhism, or Hinduism, or many other sundry religions or religious organizations. I personally have no interest in these groups and I disagree with them on many of their perceptions of reality and history. I have had exposure to some or all of these groups more or less. I have had in-depth conversations with people who identify as adherents to these religious groups. Nonetheless, I am always open to having conversations with people from these and other groups. I am always willing to listen to people from these groups explain their beliefs. I strive to respond or formulate stronger opinions only after listening and understanding the alternate perspective. Furthermore, I try to respond less to views with which I am less familiar. I know much less about Hinduism, for example, than I know about other religions. For this reason, I never really make comments about Hinduism, cite it as an example for something, or even attempt to discredit it. I would be interested (as time permits) to sit down with knowledgeable and experienced persons who identify with this religion and to hear more about their beliefs and thoughts. I could perhaps research this religion more on my own from credible sources. I would feel more comfortable, less ignorant, and less foolish explaining why I ‘disagree’ with Hinduism after listening to the details. I enjoy dialoguing with Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons. I am always open to listening and understanding their beliefs before responding or questioning. I expect the same [wise] receptiveness in return from them when I am talking and explaining my views.

I have often conversed with people from these other religions who were convinced that if I only really understood or experienced what they were communicating that I too would believe the way they do and conform to their perspectives. I don’t think there is anything really wrong with that way of reasoning. I too think that if they only understood my perspectives that they would change their views and become in line with my own. Therefore, just as much as I want them to pay attention to me when I am speaking and to truly try to understand things from my perspective, so too they would like that from me. This is why I do my best to listen, not to talk over them, and to respectfully critique conflicting ideas with a sound understanding of their perspective. When I am having these conversations, I will often repeat what I have heard in order to demonstrate to my dialogue partners that I have indeed listened to them, I understood them, and I am able to reiterate their own perspective accurately. I do this prior to inquiry or response… oh, all of this is another reason why I tend to avoid posting my opinions about sensitive topics on social media or why I refrain from getting into debates and comment wars online, especially over issues with which I am not all too familiar. Listening is an art. It can take practice. For some people (including myself), it is difficult to remain patiently attentive and considerate without blurting out their opinion. It was because of Proverbs 18:13, however, that I was convicted to be a better listener. I believe I have improved a lot and I have become a better, less annoying, and less abrasive person for it. I hope others commit this proverb to memory also and repeat it to themselves before posting their ‘expert’ opinions on social media about topics with which they are actually quite unfamiliar.

I also have been experimenting with the adaptation of the underlying concept in Proverbs 18:13 to food. I have been trying not to formulate strong opinions about various cuisines until trying them…. with limitations, of course. As another wise and ancient saying puts it, “Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it!”¹

 

Endnotes

1. I don’t endorse the ‘trying’ of various religions, political parties, or other things. Certainly this phrase has its limitations and was intended merely as a humorous statement.