My husband, Daryl, and I asked our friend and fellow blogger Grace Sangalang to craft the following interview questions for us. Basically, we wanted a way to tell you more about our upcoming family shifts (happening this week!) and this seemed a good way to do it. We’re about to put into effect what we affectionately refer to as “Plan Awesome.” In short, this means we’re switching roles. Daryl is taking over as the stay-at-home parent while I pursue my career by going back to work and starting doctoral study. I wrote more about it here.
1. How did “Plan Awesome” come about?
Daryl: The idea of switching roles is something we had talked about for quite some time, but it was more like how we talked about taking a trip to Nepal or cruising the States in an Airstream—an exciting idea, but more of a distant dream than a near reality. It became a more present topic, however, during a recent vacation when we realized a tension in our lives. I was spending my days on my career when my true passion was for my family, and Jamie (though she loved being at home with our son) had a passion for a career that she wasn’t pursuing. After a few months of living with that tension, one day it just clicked. Maybe we could actually do this! Casual conversation turned into prayer, counsel seeking, and some cautiously optimistic number crunching, and we decided to pull the trigger.
2. What are the benefits you expect and concerns you have about this plan?
Jamie: I think that Daryl’s response in question #3 addresses a lot of the benefits that we expect: growth in our relationships with one another and with God. I also think that there is something good and right about living in accordance with who God made us. God has made Daryl passionate about being a good husband and father. He’s going to be able to access those parts of who he is even more consistently now. God has made me a nerd, and I’m going to gleefully pursue academic study. My guess is that as we’re pursuing things that we’re passionate about, we’re just going to be a bit happier.
I honestly can’t think of any concerns that hold real weight in my heart and mind. It is a risk, to be sure, but it’s been calculated and we think it’s worth taking. I’m more concerned about what our family life would look like 5 years from now if we continued on our present course and didn’t give this change a try.
3. How do you think this will affect your relationships with one another, with your son, and with God?
Daryl: The bottom line of my motivation for doing this is that we believe it’s the best way for me to love Jamie and our son right now. It’s a sacrifice I can make for them that allows us more time together, and lets me really build up my wife in a practical way. It’s also an exciting opportunity for our marriage to grow as we experience the joys and the challenges that come with it. It seems like it’s my time to discover and develop my relationship with our son. Of course he and I have a relationship already, but the chance to spend all day with him, helping him grow and learn, will be a whole new level that I can’t wait to experience. I hope to see my relationship with God grow more than ever in this time given that it’s an exercise in trust. I don’t do well with uncertainty, especially when it comes to financial security, and this is sort of diving headfirst right into it. In a way, it feels like I’m finally facing one of my biggest fears. I’ll need him to carry me through it, and I trust he will.
Jamie: Well, when I hear my husband say things like, “it’s the best way for me to love Jamie and our son,” it’s hard not to feel deeply for him. Even in the process of talking and thinking through this decision I have felt my love and appreciation for Daryl grow. Even though it’s his desire to stay with our son, it still feels like he’s sacrificing for me. That lifts my thoughts to Jesus, who loved the church and gave himself up for her. Christ is the model for Christian husbands, which in this case raises my view of both my husband and my Lord.
4. Since this breaks the mold of traditional gender roles, how do you respond to people’s assumptions of you?
Daryl: I love answering this question! I’ve never had any regard for the stigma of stay-at-home dads, in fact I’ve found myself looking forward to standing up for the concept and fearlessly taking on the naysayers. However, the overwhelming sense I’ve gotten from other dads when they hear the plan is jealousy. They wish they could do this. It’s been really cool to receive so much encouragement from other dads and see their hearts for their own families. This plan isn’t for everyone, but I’ve learned that it’s also not as crazy in other people’s minds as I thought it would be.
Jamie: Well, I don’t think much of “traditional gender roles” because I don’t think that there’s anything that is necessarily normative about them. The key biblical passages that talk about kids being brought up in the Lord address the community of faith, parents (not just mothers) and fathers (Deut. 6:1-9; Ps. 78; Eph. 6:4). I suppose that what’s at issue in “traditional gender roles” is the stay-at-home part. While I look to my husband to be the spiritual head of our house, I don’t think that this new arrangement undermines that. If anything, I view this plan as helping him express his leadership through humble service to our family.
5. In what ways are you embracing simplicity to live out this plan?
Jamie: Our income is definitely going to take a dip, so we’re forced to embrace financial simplicity (paring down) in order to live this out. What does that look like? Buying less, eating at home more, being more selective about our activities. It’s giving us a reason to rethink the way we do things, which is just getting started. I think there will be more and more aspects of our life that we reorganize as we take a good look at them.
6. How is your community involved in this plan?
Daryl: We’ve spent a lot of time sharing the idea with our community (family, friends, church, etc.) and the overwhelming encouragement we found has been a big part of our decision making. Not only are they on board with the idea, but there’s also a real sense that they’ll be there to encourage and assist us whenever we need it. I’ve also seen new avenues of involvement open up for me in our church. I’ll be able to take on some new roles and be more engaged than before. It’s my hope that Jamie and I can be an encouragement to those around us as we act in love and seek what God has for our family. No matter what that looks like for other families, we hope God uses us to encourage them in their journey towards it.
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