I recently faced a Dad-moment that I had been dreading for a while. It’s one of those times where your son faces his first major disappointment in life. So far my oldest son Ethan had led a somewhat charmed existence. He’s the one that: wins the giant Lego set in the church raffle, gets picked out of the crowd to lightsaber fight Darth Vader at Disneyland, wins the principals award for leadership at school, scores a hat trick (3 goals in one game) in the last match of the season, etc, etc. Things haven’t always been easy but whatever he puts his mind to he usually succeeds, until recently.
Scotland is a strange and beautiful place. Here they take their football (soccer) very seriously. Kids can get scouted and provisionally “signed” to professional club teams as early as 10 years old. Once this happens you are basically on a career football track and, as long as you continue to prove yourself, can end up playing professional from age 16. (Each pro team has a youth club associated with it and acts as a kind of feeder for home grown players that will hope to eventually break into the pro squad).
Ethan’s only been playing football for a few years. I coached his 7 year old AYSO team in the US until the disorganisation and lack of competent administrative oversight on the league level prompted us to step away for a bit. He started back up playing football when we moved here. It’s helped him integrate into culture quite a bit and he has made some good friends. Now that he is heading toward the Academy (the UK version of a combined Jr High and High School) his school football days are ending. The next step in the process was to try out for a program run by the Scottish Football Association (SFA) that operates with within the Academy and provides special intensive training. It’s basically an elite program for the best kids that are coming into Academy, the kids that are getting noticed by the pro teams and will probably end up on the aforementioned career trajectory.
Ethan tried out for the SFA team and didn’t make it. He waited to hear from them and was super excited to get the chance but we received a letter with the news. It was cordial enough, thanking him for trying out and some other encouraging remarks you would expect to find on a form letter. But to Ethan and his 11 year old world it was a major life altering disappointment. To him, a rejection from the SFA means he will probably never go pro. It’s a dream killer that tell him he is not good enough at the thing he loves to do.
There are times in a Dad’s life when all you can do is be there for your son, put your arm around his shoulders and let him know you are there for him as he deals with this setback. There was not much I could say. I let him know I love him and that this didn’t define him. I’m not sure he heard specifics but I thank God that I could be there for this heart wrenching moment.
Identity is a tough thing for an 11 year old to sort out. They come from a perspective that every little thing is so big and life encompassing. As I walk through this with my son, it is going to take me to places of uncomfortability where it would be much easier to give him a reality check and move on. But God’s calling on my life as a parent demands that I not only provide a solid foundation for him to lean on in times of disappointment, but also that I grow in my own understanding of a very similar role that God (the ultimate Father) has in my life. My goal in all of this is to help my boys realise that their identity can’t be based on something as silly as football or even someone as inconsistent as me. Rather, their identity can only be found in the God that created them with partially revealed purpose in the context of an unfolding plan. If scoring goals is only a tiny part of that plan, cool. If not… well we shall see what other cool stuff God has cooked up!
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