I’ve had the privilege of being part of several group discussions lately in several different situations. Some of these discussions were fruitful and led in a positive direction. Others were excellently hampered by certain individual’s conscious efforts to be a proverbial “spanner in the works” (as they say on this side of the pond). If this mechanicalesque disposition suits you, here are some tips to further your cause.
- Always be right and don’t forget to always refer back to your expertise. This works best when you have really established your expertise on a niche topic that no one else really cares about. Forget working in your topic in a subtle or unassuming manner! Bring it up whenever possible and make sure to get your point across by using a condescending tone. (I suggest always starting these sentences with the word “Actually…”) This not only shocks an individual into listening to you but also demeans others enough to raise yourself up in their eyes. Yours will forever be the final glorious word on the matter at hand and the rest of the peasants will always bow to your authority in any matter.
- Exist in a perpetual state of being offended. This is a great strategy when people get together to “improve” existing systems that you have adopted as your own. They may be messy and riddled with redundancies, but they are yours darn it! For this to work it is important that you create a large amount of awkward tension from the start by immediately questioning the leader of the discussion’s motives/priorities/ulterior motives/education/shoe size. You must let it be known by all that your mind is closed and the only reason that you are here is because you were “asked” to be part of the discussion by your immediate supervisor. Acting in this manner will result in people viewing you as a superhero who defends ancient traditions or supreme importance.
- Approach everything as if it were a black or white issue. There are only two options in this mode of thinking: your way or the motorway. Caution! This might be harder than it sounds. In order to be successful with this approach you must have previously established in your mind rock solid definitions of core issues you know will surface in the group discussion. So much so that you cannot be swayed by any of the riff raff alternatives that other people present. In fact, even acknowledging any gradation of difference from your definition would be the equivalent to questioning the foundation of reality itself. “Based on that logic maybe we are all just the drug induced dream of a fuzzy caterpillar lounging on a banana leaf somewhere!,” would be an appropriate response to the simpleton that suggests such a deviation to your supreme intelligence.
While I am sure there are much more, these three should get you started on the path to creating that perfectly tension filled setting in which a group discussion is destined to fail. Crack on!
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