I recently got married to Stanley Ng last August 6, and it has truly been a whirlwind. Despite the stressful prep time before the wedding, I thoroughly enjoyed our wedding day. It was an amazing and joyous day, full of tears and much laughter. Celebrating such a momentous occasion with the people we love was wonderful, and knowing that we were making such a huge commitment in the presence of such a supportive community was amazing. I was blown away by people’s generosity, and am so grateful for their support to us. After the wedding, we had an awesome honeymoon on a cruise to Ensenada and then enjoyed our favorite place: Disneyland.
And then we head back to reality, to the day-to-day grind of life. Going back to my full-time job while taking two doctoral classes makes a very full schedule. Add my husband’s transition to a full-time pastoral position as a college and executive pastor, and it makes for both of us having very full loads. And now I am a pastor’s wife, with all of the expectations that are put on me, and mostly that I put on myself, being the people-pleaser that I am. I want to be a supportive wife, and in this quest of being the “perfect pastor’s wife,” I put on unrealistic expectations on myself, given that I am only human, and I can’t do everything. It’s humbling to see how much I try to be “God” and how much I try to take on because I think I can “save” or “transform” others. At the end of the day, God is God, and I am not. I am just as broken and in need of God’s grace as any one else. I’m learning that boundaries and saying no are a gift. You’d think that I’d learn this by now, especially after experiencing burnout. yet my over-achiever perfectionist tendencies die hard. I’m learning to let go of the “A,” and realizing that I just need to do the best that I can in the limited time that and energy I have. Because of all my striving, I find myself quite weary. In all of this, I’m learning how to take one day at a time, and I’m grateful that God is patient with me.
Being married is a whole new way of being. Instead of just considering my own needs, schedule, and space, I now have to consider my husband’s over mine. Being the naturally selfish person that I am, it’s difficult putting my husband before me. Transitions are often difficult for me, since I don’t really like change. I miss my own space and my alone time, and I miss having the freedom to create my own schedule and the flexibility to spend time with friends. Yet, it is also amazing to have someone there to support me in every aspect of my life – from cooking for me, to encouraging me as I study, to kicking me out of bed to wake up in the morning, to walking around Disneyland and enjoying beignets, churros, and fried chicken with me, to cleaning the toilet, to getting me a dog, and loving me through my tantrums (yeah, he’s pretty amazing!). In these times, I experience God’s love through my husband’s tangible expressions of love to me.
People always told me that marriage is a huge way that God sanctifies us, and wow, yeah now I believe it. They also told me that it’s nothing that you imagine, and that is definitely very true as well. I never really believed in fairy tale endings, and while it is a joy, it’s true that marriage is hard work. Loving someone is hard to do, and I’m learning that my husband is not God and I can’t expect him to fill my every need. I can only love my husband because God has loved me first, and receiving God’s love for me fuels me to love my husband. Being the naturally quiet person that I am with all of the internal musings in my head, it’s not always easy for me to articulate what I need, or sometimes feel that I’m being burdensome for saying something. It’s a whole new season of growth to learn how to express myself. Yet, in the midst of it, I’m learning to give and receive love in new ways, and I’m grateful for this new season of life.
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