Receiving Personal Gifts
What does it mean to give a personal gift? Well, we know what it means to give an impersonal gift. It’s the annual iTunes gift card from the step-uncle you only see on Christmas Eve. Or, it’s the “Jack likes books, let’s get him a book” that started in junior high and seemed like such a good idea that it hasn’t changed.
We can be grateful, but we can also be philosophical. (If that’s not my life motto yet, it could be soon.)
A more personal gift is something you actually want. It’s when your cool aunt texts you in late August to remind you, “You know you’re birthday’s coming up. Any hints?” As I’ve gotten older, my tastes have become more specific. I like books on the theology of friendship. And I like paintings, but I like certain paintings. If someone wanted to be really practical about getting me something I want, they would look up my Amazon wish-list and order from it: “Oh look, Pavel Florensky’s The Pillar and Ground of the Truth! Cool Aunt, how did you know?”
But for a gift to be personal involves more than the person of the receiver; it also involves the person of the giver. It’s not just what I like to receive but what the giver likes to give.
Giving Personal Gifts
I’m right to ask, “Cool Aunt, how did you know?” about Pavel Florensky. Because she probably doesn’t read theological sociologies of the Church written by Russian Orthodox polymaths.
What kind of gift could she give me that I could unwrap and say, “Ha. I know who this is from!” I don’t know. Her boyfriend is from Germany. I could imagine them giving me a book on German culture that would tell me something about his heritage as it gave me helpful background to my Bonhoeffer studies.
But let me take it one step further.
For Christmas, my then-penpal, now-girlfriend gave me one of her favorite novels. Why? Because she liked it. And if I read both it and the poems tucked inside, I would learn about her.
The Truly Personal Gift
When someone gives you something which it is in their personality and character to give, that is a gift of self. But even this can go wrong. What if I gave my Cool Aunt a copy of Pavel Florensky’s The Pillar and Ground of the Truth? That wouldn’t count as personal either.
The truly personal gift is one that both the Giver delights to give and the Receive delights to receive. It acknowledges both the Personality of the Giver and the Personality of the Receiver. But what thing can Cool Aunt give me for my birthday that is so me to receive and so her to give?
That’s the wrong question, actually. The right question is: Do I love the giver enough to ask for and receive her gift of self? If two people love one another, the one will self-reveal and the other will enjoy. I would love Cool Aunt’s favorite book because it’s her favorite book. She would love a gift certificate because it’s my favorite restaurant.
Know this: To give a truly personal gift is to give Yourself. And to receive a truly personal gift is to receive the Other Person.
True Desires
Moulin Rouge, and St. Augustine’s Confessions before it, assert that what we desire most is to love and be loved. Others have said we most desire to know and be known. But they’re two sides of the same coin. No one truly desires an iTunes giftcard or the next book on their syllabus. We truly desire relationship.
At lunch, I told my friend, Matt, that I wanted a board game for my birthday. Why? Because he loves boardgames, and I love him. The better I get at boardgames, the better I’ll see his mind, and the better friends we can become.
Eventually, we come to see that everything we do can be gift: mundane conversations, our daily work, mealtime, our hobbies, even our confessions and our asking for help. We think we burden people with our needs, but people crave our burdens. Lonely people deeply desire a friend to pray for, a sick family to cook for, or a dog to dog-sit. Everything you have is gift, and you are God’s gift to the world (No, really).
This all should be obvious when we recognize where it comes from. In Matthew’s gospel, Jesus quotes the prophet, Hosea, twice, using the same words: “Learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice.'”
God gives (a) what we most desires, and (b) what is most in his personality and character to give, which is (c) himself. In return, he asks for (a) what he most desires, and (b) what is most ours to give, which is (c) ourselves.
What do you really want? And what does everyone else want?
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