Last Friday, I had the awesome opportunity to speak in Biola’s undergraduate chapel about my thesis on shame and how it affects our relationships with God and others. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to share about what I’ve learned about shame and grace, and also my own struggle with shame and depression, and the hope and healing that I’ve found in my life through community. It all came about quite organically and it was nothing that I ever sought out or ever expected to happen.
I was at my friend’s bridal shower last June, when I talked with Lisa Ishihara, the Director of Chapel Programs at Biola, about my thesis. Since she is also in the Institute of Spiritual Formation, I’ve always enjoyed the conversations that I have with her, and it was fun just getting to share a little about my thesis with her. She then just asks me right then, “Grace, would you want to share about your thesis in a chapel next year, since our chapel theme is “Life Together?” While my initial reaction was, “Ahh! No! I am deathly afraid of public speaking! I’d rather hide in a hole than be in front of people!” there was another part of me which felt like this was an opportunity that I needed to take since this is the reason why I’ve studied this material – to share with others. So, I agreed to speak in chapel. Lisa was super helpful and encouraging, and so was Mike Ahn, the Director of Worship and Formation at Biola, who also helped me think through my message and the reflective structure of the Dwellings chapel. A few months before, they told me that the chapel was going to be part of a whole Shame and Guilt week put on by Student Development, so I was grateful for the opportunity to be part of a larger community of people who were interested and passionate about this topic, and wanted to see students live in greater freedom with themselves, others, and the Lord.
While there have been many ideas marinating in my head for awhile, I finally got my thoughts on paper the Monday before the chapel. I wrote out my manuscript, and then shared my thoughts and story with my counselor on Tuesday, who encouraged me and reflected back the courage she has seen in me throughout my story and throughout the time she’s known me. I’ve done a lot of things that I greatly fear, but have a tenacity to continue despite the sometimes paralyzing and overwhelming fear. I was grateful for her encouragement in reminding me of how this message came from who I am – someone who’s struggled with shame, but someone who’s also seen so much healing and freedom. Afterwards, I practiced with my boyfriend, who is a pastor, to ask for some public speaking tips. He gave me Preaching 101 in a few hours to help me structure my talk to make it more understandable to undergrads, instead of using the academic language I tend to use. I asked my friends for prayer, revised my talk, and then started getting very nervous on Thursday. Thankfully, my friend helped me practice, encouraged me with her affirmation, and prayed for me. I also spent some time with the Lord and felt like God telling me that He loved me no matter how well I did, and that it wasn’t about me anyway, it was all about Him and the things He has done in my life. I slept quite soundly that night, which was an answer to prayer, since I normally get really anxious before events where I have to be in front of people.
I woke up that morning, feeling well-rested and ready to go. It was game time, so I had a private pre-game dance party in my room to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off,” One Direction’s “Best Song Ever,” and Hillsong Young and Free’s “Alive.” I felt pretty good after dancing in the morning, feeling the joy of the Lord, and knowing that I am His beloved. While I was initially nervous at the beginning, honestly, once I got into my talk, I felt quite confident, knowing that I was sharing these things I’ve learned, not just for knowledge sake, but to testify of God’s goodness in my life, and to share about the freedom He offers to others.
I’m so grateful for the support that I had that day – from my parents who came, my whole Purchasing department, and some friends from other departments at Biola. I also felt the love and prayers from so many, that I knew even when I spoke, that I was not alone. I am still part of this great community that the Lord has given me, and I have freedom in the love and grace that others have shown me as tangible expressions of God’s love and care for me.
I’ve had some really sweet conversations with people, and I’m really grateful for my mother’s words to me that she shared afterwards, through her tears of love, concern, and care for me, as she told me, “Grace, now I understand Romans 8:28 and see that all the struggles you’ve gone through is so that you can help others and give glory to God.” My mom has been such a great example of a godly woman to me, and I’m so grateful for her testifying of the Lord’s goodness in my life, and it makes me more grateful of the Lord’s work in my life. It’s true, God truly does work all things out for the good of those who love him, and while we don’t always see it in the present moment, He is working all things out for our good. I am humbled and astounded of His unending love.
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