I recently admitted to my coworkers that unlike many girls who seem to have many of their wedding details planned since childhood, I actually have more details of my funeral planned than my wedding. This is probably strangely morbid to most people, but I guess for me, it has become quite normalized to think about my funeral, after going to many more funerals than weddings growing up. At least, it’s what I remember more of growing up – going to funerals for grandparents, aunts, uncles, relatives, and other family friends. Having a large extended Filipino family, with many aging relatives, it was just a regular part of life. I saw my parents plan for many of their loved ones funerals, and I attended many, even as a child. Since my parents are quite pragmatic and plan for the future, they would tell me how they had bought plots for all of us, planned ahead just in case something happens, and my mother wanted me to keep up playing the violin, so I could play “Amazing Grace” at her funeral.
So, surrounded by death and funerals, it just seemed normal for me to think about my funeral – how I’d like bright colors and sunflowers, doves released, and my ashes thrown out to sea, as a celebration of my life and Homecoming to be with the Lord. I’ve wondered what people would say about me, and who would come to my funeral, and what kind of legacy I would leave behind. It is a strange thing, especially since as young people, we don’t tend to like to think about our deaths, and think that it’s so far in the future that it’s not anywhere close. And then, I had friends who were around my age pass away, and death seemed closer to me than expected.
And then there’s the children’s book for adults called, All My Friends Are Dead, which I recently picked up in a bookstore, and I thought it was depressingly funny.
Well, maybe I am showing too much of my morbid thoughts by sharing about the ways I’ve thought about my funeral, but in earnest, thinking about my death has actually helped me think about the way I live my life, and wanting to live my life with intentionality and purpose, especially in showing God’s love and grace to others and sharing the gospel of Jesus to people. I’ve realized this life is fast and short, and that we don’t know how long we will live, so to make the most out of the life we’ve been given. I also don’t want to just live for the fleeting pleasures of this life, like money and material gain, since it all fades away anyways. It’s also helped me learn how to enjoy the present, and the moments that we’ve been given with our loved ones, because tomorrow is not predictable, and to celebrate the goodness and faithfulness of God in these present moments.
Even the Psalms show how fleeting life is and to teach us how to number our days:
“Show me, Lord, my life’s end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting my life is.
You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
even those who seem secure. (Psalm 39:4-5)
Our days may come to seventy years,
or eighty, if our strength endures;
yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away…
Teach us to number our days,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom. (Psalm 90:10, 12)
Thinking about death has helped me see my limits as a human, and how frail I really am. It shows me how much I need to rely on God’s provision, and how much I need to be grateful for His gifts, since tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. So yeah, maybe I am a bit morbid at times, but I’ve also enjoyed life in some really rich ways because of it. And in this way, even my morbid thoughts can help me reflect on the goodness of God and His faithfulness in this life.
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