Growing up in a Filipino-American conservative Protestant church, and having parents who converted from Roman Catholicism (the prevalent religion in the Philippines) to “born-again” Christianity, I was well aware of the ways we disagreed with Roman Catholics – how our faith was about grace, and how their faith was about works. It was an “us” vs. “them” kind of mentality. I learned the ways of how to evangelize to Catholics, to tell them the true way about salvation through faith and grace alone, and not by adding any works – quoting Ephesians 2:8-9. Since many of my extended family is Roman Catholic, I’d sometimes go to Catholic mass for weddings or funerals, and I remember being fearful of the different icons and all the religious imagery that hung on the walls.
Then, I studied more about church history during my time at the Institute of Spiritual Formation, and how everyone in Christianity was in one category at one point (before the Reformation), and that there were many great Roman Catholic theologians, thinkers, and writers (like the Desert Fathers), who wrote about spirituality and spiritual theology. They had a depth and richness about their spiritual experience that we could learn from – and they understood suffering. While there’s still a lot I disagree with Roman Catholicism theologically (there are definitely reasons why I am still Protestant), there was much to learn from them, as we have similar roots. I started going on retreats at different monasteries and retreat centers throughout the area, and have come to discover places of quiet and solitude and stillness. These are places to encounter God, following the example of Jesus who took time to get away from the crowds and spend time with the Father.
A few weeks ago, I visited one of my favorite retreat places, St. Andrews Abbey in Valyermo – a Benedictine monastery out in the desert. I appreciate this place because it is quiet out in the middle of nowhere, which takes me away from normal life. There is beauty in the desert – as this place feels like an oasis. I like the quiet and solitude – a place to get away from the demands and busyness of daily life – to rest in the stillness. Being an introvert, I especially find solitude and silence a refreshing and enriching experience – a place where I don’t have to expend energy to be with people – a place to recharge and re-energize – a place to pray and meet with God – to tend to my inner life with Him. It’s a time to receive God’s love – to just be and receive, to not have to do and work and strive.
It’s interesting to me that even though explicitly, a gospel of grace, was taught to me as a kid- and in my head I had learned good theology – that implicitly, what I picked up in my heart and actions, was a religion of work. My faith was often performance-oriented – I felt a deep need (and still struggle with) a desire to earn God’s love by doing good things, instead of accepting His love freely. Ironically, it was actually at a Catholic monastery, where I find quite freed from carrying the burden of having to earn God’s love – that I can just be and enjoy His love for me.
I went to some of the prayer services that the Benedictine monks held throughout the day, and I really enjoyed the rhythm of praying the hours. During one service, one of the monks gave a homily on the Parable of the Pharisee and Tax Collector. He made a good point that this parable is not about the virtue or humility of the tax collector, in not thinking himself more highly than others, like the Pharisee, but that this parable is ultimately about his need in seeing God’s grace. The tax collector saw that He needed God’s grace because of his brokenness and sinfulness, whereas the Pharisee didn’t see his need for God’s grace, since he thought he could do it all. The monk emphasized that this is what the Christian life is about – the need for God’s grace, and not our own attempt to be pious or good. Wow, spoken by a Catholic monk! This was mind-blowing for me as this Benedictine monk shattered some of the conceptions of Roman-Catholicism I previously had. Perhaps, we have more in common than what I had been taught as a kid. Or perhaps, just as the many sects of Protestantism and the differences in their beliefs, there is a wide spectrum of beliefs in the Roman Catholic church as well, and things are much more nuanced than I once thought.
Following the outdoor Stations of the Cross, I also sat and contemplated on the suffering of Christ. As we are currently in the season of Lent, this seemed like an apt time of reflection on His suffering and pain. Thinking about the cross helps me see how He understands my deepest pain and suffering, and how He has suffered already for me. It brings comfort to know that Jesus is with me in these places.
For the most part, I really just enjoyed the place and beautiful scenery. Watching the ducks, fish, turtles, and pelican swim in the lake, seeing the sunrise and sunset, noticing the desert flowers bloom, listening to the rustling of the wind through the leaves, gazing at the starry skies – they are all reminders to me that God is infinitely bigger than myself and an amazing, creative, loving Father. I also took a lot of naps throughout the day – which was much-needed rest for me. Experiencing the hospitality of the monks, who served us during meal times, and took care of our lodging requests, was also a treat. (They also sell some amazing Basil Olive Oil that is so flavorful and delicious!) I am grateful for the gift of being able to go on retreat and learn from others and their traditions.
*The picture from this post is a picture of the awesome monk cookie jar that was in the room I stayed in.
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